When you know that you are dreaming, things, which in reality would be frightening or unnerving, can be viewed without those emotions. As if watching horror movies, or WWII documentaries for a film class, in order to write a report on the directors' techniques with camera angles or lighting. Or, marveling at how ordinary household objects, seem to have been recently set on a Pompeii dining table, with no care for the owner who is not in the next room getting a cup. However, it is very unsettling to realize that you are not asleep, but have been similarly disassociated from the feelings, or reactions normally experienced when confronted with the evidence of human suffering, even long after the fact.
That sense of being disconnected from reality, dogged me the entire drive from Charleston, SC to Athens, GA. I had chosen to follow the state roads today, instead of the interstate highways, in order to connect with the people and the communities I was passing. And, to give myself the opportunity to stop wherever, for whatever that might be coming my way. As I scanned the the quiet countryside for anything that seemed worthy of investigation, I kept reminding myself to pay attention. Like a kid on Christmas Eve, staring out at the night sky, and fighting the overwhelming urge to close an eye, even for just a moment, I chastised myself for contemplating what percentage of drivers don't know the proper ettiquette for highway driving (it's very high, trust me). Or, which of the Madonna tracks playing from my ipod was really my favorite.
The forests that lined the roads were dense, their monotony only broken by equally monotonous chains of abandoned buildings, homes in extreme disrepair (let's play the "People do, or don't, live there" game), or shuttered strip malls. In my mind, I began to excuse my growing attention deficit, given the circumstances. When it hit me. The mind numbing flood of empty structures built over years, by people who invested their futures in them, stood (barely) with heads bowed begging for a passerby to care.
Literally, hundreds of miles had passed beneath my wheels, as I debated with myself, my musical Madonna obsession, as I cursed those with road etiquette ignorance, or as I pondered the amount of rainfall from passing storms, never focusing my attention on the very real condition of my surroundings...
This beautiful, warm, Spring afternoon was not making me happy. Rather than feeling contented, sitting at a sidewalk table with my iced Starbuck's, I felt uneasy. Fortunately, a surprise phonecall from my cousin shook me out of the funk I felt. She had hit my mood "reset button" at just the right time. And although not conscious of it, I was uncharacteristically chatting with two homeless people. We were having easy conversations about difficult topics. Subconsciously, my mind was way ahead of me. It had made the connection, and the correction, to my clueless behavior exhibited throughout today's drive. And THAT realization did put things right in my belly.
Note: add to your Todoist - "Did the government test atom bombs in the South in the fifties?" (I thought it was just in Nevada and New Mexico...)
Tuesday, 2am.
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